Nea Fane – Un Biet Român Pripășit în America / A Hapless Romanian Stuck in The US

One

It was the early 2000s, and the British company I was working for merged with a Wall Street Giant. They told us it was a “Merger between equals.” Maybe they kept me on the team because of my skills, or maybe because I was always working on weekends, who knows. Anyway, I ended up moving from a Times Square office to a Wall Street office.

I was quite good at what I did, and soon I was training the new team in Excel, PowerPoint, creating templates, manuals, and more. Corel Draw was a different story; I was the only one using that program, and I was quite the expert at it, but the higher-ups decided that everyone should learn it. I expected to be appointed as the Corel instructor but, surprise, they chose a lady from the UK as the trainer. And that’s when the fun began.

We gathered in a special training room where she taught us her first lesson (via video link, which was a big deal back in the 2000s) and gave us homework. I did it as well as possible, meaning perfectly, and, the next day, I got the feedback. She said something like, “For a beginner, you did quite well.” I got a bit puffed up, and my ego swelled.

I sent an email to the trainer, thinking that my subtle, sarcastic humor would be appreciated, but, surprise, it wasn’t received well.

The next day, commotion!

My boss called me into her office, and for two whole hours, she ripped into me (to be honest, everything she said was dead-on. I felt pretty crappy for letting my ego get the better of me). Turns out, my sarcastic Romanian humor didn’t sit well with them at all, even in the UK where their humor is dry as dust: instead, they got all sensitive and the tears started flowing. During that chat, she suggested I follow the 24-hour rule: if I still felt the urge to bite back within 24 hours, go for it; but most of the time, like 98%, I’d realize no email was worth sending.

Testing ChatGpt with a limerick

A manager from Mumbai, quite shrewd,
Scolded me for my tone that was crude.
“Mind your manners,” she’d say,
“In a kinder, firm way,”
Now I’m careful with words that I try.

Two

Arizona, 2006-2007, sometime around there. Corporate environment. Cafeteria. Microwave ovens, paper plates. Not great, but they did the job.

One day, the trusty cardboard plates disappeared to be replaced by so-called styrofoam plates, a wretched plastic of poor quality and notoriously toxic, although they swore it wasn’t. So I wasn’t paying attention and heated my food up on the new plate. When a hole burned through the styrofoam, my food got contaminated with that melted rubbish.

I broke the 24-hour rule and sent an email to Human Resources, writing something like, “If you should want to compile a list of volunteers to study the effects of melted plastic plates in food on employees, please be advised that I’m definitely not interested.”

The next day, commotion!

My boss called me into his office, with a mix of anger and amusement on his face. He said: “The HR folks wanted to fire you, but I explained that you come from another country, that you have a different sense of humor, and that English is not your first language, so we weren’t sure what you really meant. And they said to tell you that, if you don’t like styrofoam, either bring your own dishes or find a job where they provide paper plates.”

So, I started bringing my own plates.

Three

USA, 2024. Working from home for a huge corporation, with Dire Straits in the background: “Money for Nothing.”

In a super important Teams meeting, we were talking about getting free dental floss at the dentist. I didn’t even think twice before typing: “Money for nothing, floss for free.”

Five seconds later, a coworker wrote: “Were you trying to be funny or just dodge an HR email?”

At that moment, I froze!

But I kept silent, even though I had so much to say…

[For those who may not know, the original line is “money for nothing, chicks for free”.]

The End?

My boss was like, “Stefan, I had to hold in my laughter when I saw the HR ladies all worked up about your email. I thought it was great, but hey, it’s a big corporation, and they’re not really into jokes. Fortunately, there are no specific Humor Rules, so they asked me to have a chat with you. I told them you’re from another country and you humor is different. Just watch out for those personal opinions, okay?”

Cosmin always used to tell me, “Dad, with your humor and sarcasm, you’re going to get in trouble. If I can’t always tell when you’re kidding and when you’re serious, how do you think those HR people will? Plus, your humor is so personal!”

And ’cause I never really learned to be serious, and I just go with the flow, I end up keeping my mouth shut. Fortunately, I have the ability to stay silent in two languages. And every time I get my annual review, I get the same feedback: “Speak up more, let people see the real you!” (The unspoken rule in the business world is that you have to say something in meetings, even if it’s silly, just to make your presence known, which goes against what my uncle used to tell me: “Hey, if you don’t have anything clever to say, just stay quiet, ’cause there are plenty of fools out there who love to hear themselves talk.”)

“I’m gonna pass,” I say, “it’s probably best if I just stay quiet.”