Nea Fane – Un Biet Român Pripășit în America / A Hapless Romanian Stuck in The US

1. Letter to my parents
   1. Day D – 4: The fishing rod acquisition expedition
   2. Day D – 4: Learning the (hard) lessons
   3. Day D – 3: The fishing rod acquisition expedition – Part 2
   4. Day D-1: Final Preparations
   5. D-Day (July 4th): Independence Day
      1. The Seven Lakes Fishing Expedition
      2. The NSFW Joke
      3. Back to the story – Battling the elements
      4. Culture Clash
      5. The Barbecue
      6. West Point 4th of July Celebrations
   6. Day D+1: The Second Barbecue
      1. Civilization Wars
      2. Exploring the Catskills and meeting the tubers
      3. The feeding and the relaxation
   7. Day D+2: The Water Park
   8. Final thoughts

Letter to my parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

let me tell you how we spent our second 4th of July since we got in the States.

I told you in my previous letters that the urban legend at Merrill Lynch is that they have to close the business for the Popescus to take a day off. And this is what they did!

Day D – 4: The fishing rod acquisition expedition

Actually, the fun started a week earlier when I started buying fishing rods, for myself and for Cosmin. We went to K-Mart, because, you see, we knew that K-Mart had fishing rods, and they even sold fishing licenses – a legal necessity in our new non-Romanian fishing world.

So, there we were, the two Popescu boys standing in a forest of fishing rods, tall and splendid (the fishing rods, not the Popescus), all looking the same. I started to panic a little. I had no clue which one to pick. Cosmin, brave as ever, started “testing” out the rods and reels, with tangled fishing lines all around us. Meanwhile, I was getting more and more anxious, sweat pouring down my back. In the end, I just randomly grabbed a small and cheap rod for Cosmin, and a medium and cheap one for myself. We grabbed a few more fishing accessories, got ourselves a fishing license, and hurried back home.

Day D – 4: Learning the (hard) lessons

I came back home and started putting them together. I noticed that Cosmin’s fishing rod was just as tall as him, maybe a bit shorter, but he managed to handle it pretty well, so that’s a good sign (I don’t know why I applied the ski-buying rule to the fishing rod, though). As for me, I finished assembling mine, but guess what? Within the first three minutes, the fishing line got all tangled up in the reel. I had to take the reel apart, and let me tell you, there was no way to fix it. I let out a string of not-so-nice words, and that helped me cool down a bit. Suddenly, I remembered: I completely forgot to buy fishing hooks, extra line, sinkers, and floaters. Instead, I ended up with a bunch of artificial bait that I had no clue how to use. So, I grabbed the fishing instruction booklet they gave me when I got my license, and guess what? It advised against using earthworms because they might be soaked in chemicals that can kill the fish (even though humans can eat them, apparently it’s only the fish we need to worry about), and it also said not to use bread or corn because they too can be harmful to the fish (again, humans can eat them just fine). The booklet recommended using a lure since the fish would supposedly know that we’re trying to protect them and happily bite. Oh, and get this: you’re only allowed to catch five fish, and any extras you have to carefully remove the hook from their mouth, give them a little kiss, apologize, and toss them back into the river (or more accurately, the lake). I started feeling like I was throwing my money down the drain (or, well, the lake), but then I remembered this ad at the community center in which it was said that the number one father-son bonding experience is fishing, so I decided to continue.

Day D – 3: The fishing rod acquisition expedition – Part 2

So, the next day, I went to K-Mart again, determined to get myself a legit fishing rod. I had to wait in this mega line to return the one I had bought (there was a lady in front of me who didn’t really have anything better to do, so she just came to the store to socialize, and she spent her day in line). Finally, I entered this crazy forest of fishing rods, and guess what? I got lost again! It was like déjà vu or something. Anyhow, I ended up buying fishing hooks, extra line, sinkers, and floaters, and some car tire polish! Totally random, right? But hey, it was on sale, and I had to get something for Cosmin. He actually wanted an inflatable raft boat and some fancy folding chairs for fishing, but after some bargaining, we agreed on the tire polish. None of us had a clue what to do with it, but it smelled like cherries and had a cool bottle, so we figured it would make a cool but useless gift for our friends back in Romania. They’ll probably keep it in storage until it gets all cheesy and then toss it out in a few years. Or maybe they’ll pass it around as a regift until some bold housewife uses it to polish her kitchen table or stove. After all that shopping, I finally went back to the fishing rods section, closed my eyes, reached out, and grabbed the third one from the left in the fifth row. Checked the price, not too bad. And guess what? They threw in a disposable camera for free! Can’t complain about that. Bought it and made my exit from the store for good this time.

At home I saw that the second fishing rod is way better than the first: I struggled to tangle the line on the reel and I didn’t succeed because it had an idiot proof system that protects it from guys like me and that system immediately went into action. I couldn’t help but feel relieved. So, I put some sinkers on the line and started showing Cosmin in the house how to use it. Later, I had to leave for work, and poor little Cosmin was left with his mom, who was just as eager to learn how to fish…

Day D-1: Final Preparations

On July the 3rd, Saturday, Irina drove me to work, went to Queens, took the nephews and Cory the Auntie, returned to Staten Island, went to two (!) beaches, then back home, got the luggage packed the day before, and returned to Queens (and all of these by herself, very tense, very careful, driving on the (in)famous BQE – Brooklyn Queens Expressway, holding the steering wheel for the dear life), where we were supposed to leave from, the next day.

The final destination was the Seven Lakes, in upstate New York, recreation area and the fishing place. I arrived at my brothers-in-law in the evening, after work (by subway, like a true New Yorker), we made a plan or two, and we all went to sleep.

D-Day (July 4th): Independence Day

The Seven Lakes Fishing Expedition

The next day we woke up super early, around 5:30 in the morning. It was chaos trying to get ready with seven of us sharing just one bathroom. Finally, after some hustle and bustle, we all piled into our two cars and hit the road a little after 6. As we turned the first corner, I realized that Cosmin wasn’t in our car, instead, we had Little Johnny with us. I grabbed the walkie-talkie that John the Elder had given us, and we contacted the others to figure out what was going on. Turns out, Cosmin was with them. Phew! Everyone relaxed a bit, especially the folks in the other car because their oldest was safe and sound with us.

Once we had settled down, we started driving north on the highway. After about half an hour, we made a quick stop at a gas station. T rushed inside because he needed to pee. Poor kid couldn’t hold it any longer. T forgot that he had something urgent to take care of in all the morning chaos. With T’s bladder empty, we hit the road again, heading up the mountains, cruising along winding roads, and enjoying breathtaking views. Finally, after what felt like forever, we arrived at our destination around 8.

We found a perfect parking spot, not too close to other cars but not too far either. Our two sister cars were parked side by side. We tried opening the doors to get out, but they were stuck because of a strong gust of wind. We looked around and saw T running towards a building at the entrance. Turns out, he needed to do his business number two. Well, at least his mom knew what was going on!

Finally, we managed to get out of the cars and started exploring the surroundings: a place set up “a l’americaine”, with long wooden tables, benches, a view to die for, well enclosed by a wire fence, lake, beach, lifeguards, designated fishing spots, ducks, geese, squirrels, nature and civilization all together.

We found a spot with a BBQ grill nearby and snagged a table before anyone else could take it. We sent a kid to hold down the fort, but he got bored pretty fast. So we had to tie the poor kid to the table to make sure he wouldn’t leave. Then we hauled all our stuff, which felt like two freaking tons, and piled it on the table. We decided to put up the tent, just in case. But uh-oh, we realized one of our kids was missing. “Where the heck is T?” we all wondered. So we went ahead and tied the kid to the table again (sorry, buddy!) while a search party went out to find T. The first group came back real quick, dragging T along, who had somehow managed to wander off and get lost among all the cars in the parking lot. Poor guy looked completely confused!

I was getting our fishing gear ready, mine and Cosmin’s. I took out the instructions with all those fancy knot-tying pictures and got down to business. Finally managed to tie a knot, borrowed some sinkers from my brother-in-law (he swears they’re better), attached some floaters, grabbed a chunk of artificial corn, dragged along the kid, and told him we were gonna have a blast. Off we went to the nearest fishing spot. But what do you know, there were these random Hispanic folks turning the pontoon into their picnic spot, blasting music from a huge boombox. Not that their origin matters, but they didn’t speak English and we couldn’t understand a word. Maybe they thought I couldn’t speak English either ’cause of my accent. Oh well, language barriers, you know?

Terrified, we moved thirty yards further away to the next pontoon and began to launch. The first conclusion that emerged extremely quickly was that the sinkers were so heavy that even the floaters were sinking. Smart by nature, I added some more bobbers, and now our fishing rods looked like a Christmas tree with balls. In the end, I decided to move my ass and change the sinkers, which took me a while because following the knotting instructions exactly, the damn knots proved extremely difficult to untie, in fact, impossible, so I had to cut the line and start over. Cosmin was like the kitty from that classic joke, always asking me, “Are we having fun now? I’ll have a little more fun and leave!”

The NSFW Joke

A cool tomcat takes his little kit to the rooftops for the first time to school him on the ways of the world and give him the talk about feline romance (or whatever the kitties call it). Unfortunately, it was windy and rainy outside, making for a really miserable weather. After sitting for an hour and belting out the mating songs of their people, no cat came along. The little one then said, “Daddy, I’ll fuck for five more minutes, and then I’ll go home!”

Back to the story – Battling the elements

Eventually, we were ready again, fishing rods perfectly balanced.

Then things got pretty crazy: the weather guys who promised us a perfect, awesome, sunny day were totally off the mark, and we ended up being kicked out of the lake just when we were having a blast. The lifeguards, all nice and polite, whistled so hard it felt like they might pass out. So, we reluctantly headed back to our cars: those with wet swimsuits in John’s car because his seats were leather and didn’t absorb water, and the others in my car because mine had velvet seats that got wet and stayed wet.

Culture Clash

Man, for half an hour, it was pouring, but pouring, and then the sun came out, and the humans decided to get out of their cars. Various extremely tattooed people happily started to celebrate the sun and the nice weather and took the speakers out of their cars, sharing the latest musical hits specific to their cultural level with the entire area. My brother-in-law was torn between going over and talking to the music enthusiasts or going to the park rangers. He chose the rangers in the end and gave them a whole spiel about noise pollution. And you know what? Within five minutes, this tiny ranger dude in a green uniform showed up with all these gadgets on his belt. I have no clue what he said, but the music peeps put their speakers away, turned down the volume, and suddenly we could hear ourselves again, and even the birds chirping.

The Barbecue

Next, to make a long story short, it went something like this: the children said that they were hungry, so we started to build a fire. We used a bottle of special fuel and Ioan’s charcoals, which were five years old and heated up like rocks, from the fuel. However, they didn’t catch fire. In the end, we decided they were warm enough. The meat we had was almost frozen since we forgot to take it out of the coolers. We resorted to breaking it into pieces with sharp stones, like in the Stone Age, and grilled it as best we (I) could. I’m sure there were some raw parts, but hunger was winning. Out of politeness, everyone claimed it was good. After we finished eating the meat, the charcoals finally started to burn properly. Alas, it was too late, and we thought to pour water on them to extinguish the fire. Eventually, some other people took over the fire, making proper use of those ancient coals.

We had a blast splashing around in the water, getting all tangled up in fishing line and making more plans. We even decided to ditch work on the second and third day after the 4th of July because who wants to deal with traffic when we can just chill at a motel with a pool, right? As we were leaving the park, Ioan the Elder pulled over to the right and T hopped out of the car in a panic, waving at us, shouting, “I need to go first!” Irina followed along, and then everyone else joined in. Gotta make sure our bladders were empty for the long drive ahead. It turned into a full-on Three Stooges scene, with my brother-in-law and me as the stars. We must have circled that flower bed 18 times while everyone took their turn. Somebody new hopped in the car every other lap. Eventually, we rounded up the kids, one of the wives (finally), and we were off to the Catskill Mountains, our new final destination.

West Point 4th of July Celebrations

On the way, John saw a sign for West Point and made a sudden, very sharp right to get there. In our car, Irina (who was driving) was in a total panic mode as this was not the right road. It wasn’t, but we had to follow her brother because we didn’t have a map in the car (remember, it was 1999, no GPS, smartphones…). At West Point, we saw a crowd of people with folding chairs and coolers walking orderly in one direction. We asked and found out that there would be a concert in honor of the 4th of July, along with fireworks and marching bands—a complete celebration.

We thought that it would be fantastic to celebrate the 4th of July at West Point, and we joined them by bringing our chairs and a cooler, as apparently that was the norm.

It was impressive, really. I don’t know about the others, but I got really emotional. Lawns full of people, whole families, very patriotic, great joy, wonderful celebration! What I always loved was that nobody forced them to come and praise the Beloved Leader (like in Romania). They loved to come, and sing their hearts out while the band played the Anthem. Everybody knew it by heart. The valley echoed with their voices. Fireworks lit up the sky, creating a dazzling display against the backdrop of the Hudson River. People arrived in boats and yachts to participate and enjoy the festivities. As the sun set, dusk settled in and cannon shots rang out. Amidst the excitement, there were moments when the nephews got lost, then other kids got lost, everybody was laughing, others demanded to “go number one”, and everyone indulged in ice cream.

We left there around ten in the evening, with Cosmin sound asleep, finally in our car. We tried about six local motels, all of them were horrible, they smelled, they were the rent by the hour style, in the end around midnight we ended up I don’t know where (because, as I said, we didn’t have a map and we kept following Ioan’s taxi) and we found a Ramada and we slept there. I barely carried Cosmin into the room and he opened his eyes a little when he went to the bathroom and all he could ask was, “Does it have a pool?” When he heard that it has, he calmed down and slept soundly until the next morning.

Day D+1: The Second Barbecue

Civilization Wars

Cosmin slept a good, deep sleep, he was totally knocked out. We, not so much, we were totally freaking out because we totally messed up the bathtub. In the end, Irina called Miguel-The-Super-Handyman for help, who did some magic and then took out the plug and asked us, with a shocked face, why we didn’t take it out until now. I suddenly realized that we made fools of ourselves. Civilization, 1, Popescus, 0. Major fail!

In the meantime we also bought some supplies at the Supermarket, like for seven people for two days, including a new bag of charcoals. We surprised the cashiers with how much food we could fit into two carts – they made their sales for a month with us.

[We also called in to work to tell them that we’ll take two days off and we could hear the cheers in the background – Popescus are taking a vacation]

So, in the morning, we jumped into the pool, ready for a good swim. But guess what? Before entering the pool, we had to pass by a small fence with a gate that had a combination lock. To open the gate, we had to call Miguel again, who arrived and politely opened the lock for us. And to make it even worse, he pointed out that there was another gate just a little way down that was wide open! I suddenly realized, once again, that we had made fools of ourselves. Civilization 2, Popescus 0. Total fail that morning! And the day was still young!

When we left, I looked in the mirror and I saw Miguel waving at us. I swear, it seemed like he was giving us some kind of blessing and that he was praying for us: “Lord, help them! They need you!”

Exploring the Catskills and meeting the tubers

Finally, we headed to the Catskills where we were actually supposed to be the day before. We walked around for about twenty minutes, stopped at a gas station for “number one” reasons, walked for another hour, stopped at a village shop for “number two” reasons, and entered the mountains. The landscapes, colors, and a little train from 1900 or so awaited us. We parked on the right, bought the tickets, boarded the train, and suddenly, “number one” struck with a vengeance. The whole family almost tumbled onto the train tracks. But the conductor, a man who had seen a lot in his life, didn’t even blink. He stopped the engine of the train and patiently waited for the child. None of the other passengers said anything! In our melodious Romanian language, we shouted: “Pee on the tree, pee on the tree”. The grandson, confused, stopped in the middle of the road and innocently asked: “What should I do with the tree?”. Fortunately, they had portable toilets, so we could continue our trip.

The railway ran parallel to a river, the Esopus was its name, on which adventurous tourists with rubber tubes used to go. Oh, and we remembered how we used to laugh in Romania about those who played around with rubber tubes, and the Americans made an industry out of it, and the lads are called “Tubers” with a lot of fluff, and it’s a whole art to know how to tube (more or less gracefully) on a wild mountain river. We looked at each other and decided to go all the way up it to the springs of Esopus, to eat something, because we started to get slightly hangry. At 2:45 pm sharp, T wanted number one. His brother, who was with us in the car, said: “Don’t get mad, exactly at three he will want to go again!”

The feeding and the relaxation

We were driving through the mountains, zigzagging through the roads, passing by all kinds of houses – big ones, small ones, old ones, new ones… and we ended up in a very cool, almost deserted campsite. It was 3:00 pm… while we were talking with the local Ranger about a BBQ, T had the urge (and really made it happen) to relieve himself. We found a nice spot by the stream, set up the grill, started the fire, and put on fresh meat and some hot dogs. To everyone’s astonishment, the fire started easily, and the charcoal got hot very quickly. I even put some potatoes to bake. However, as I looked to the right, I saw T, standing motionless next to the grill, with a fixed gaze upon the meat. He said, “I’m starving!” and remained in a trance for twenty minutes, asking me every 30 seconds when the meat would be ready. After the first 5 minutes, I started to lose it. My left eye started twitching and even one of my legs started shaking involuntarily. I tried getting help from his parents, but they were nowhere to be found, like they knew something and disappeared into the woods or something. Finally, when they came back, they found me with tears in my eyes and had the nerve to offer advice, like not sitting in the smoke or something. I just stared at them, with pure silence, and they must’ve seen something in my eyes ’cause they quickly decided to keep a safe distance from me.

They all ate every last piece and forgot to leave something for me. I put the second serving of meat on the grill. I could hear shouts and squeals. They were having a great time, but now it was my turn to stare fixedly at the meat. I was in a trance, like T. Finally, I understood him! When Cosmin came and asked me for another hot dog, I growled. It was my food, damn it! I had waited a long time for it, I had suffered for it. Hunger turns a man into an animal. I gave the child what he wanted. It’s my kid, what can I do, but…!

Then I wanted to relax. I lay there for about a minute until I got hit in the head with a ball and heard a scream: Cosmin had fallen into the water… the water was up to his knees… he became slightly angry that we were laughing at him… he started to cry… I got up and consoled him… he stopped crying. He was with Daddy, yet somehow he was looking for Mommy, as always when he had a boo-boo.

In the evening, we decided to leave. We collected everything, took the garbage with us in a bag (the holy rule of “leave no trace”), emptied well … whatever, and hit the road again. We were ready to go around the mountain and find a motel to sleep in (with a pool, as the kids shouted). The next day, we planned to go back up there and tube down the river with the kids. During this time, diabolical plans were being made in our car. We had no desire to return to that place, but instead, we wanted to go to a Water Park that Irina found in a prospectus from a gas station.

Irina was still driving, we were going through little towns, villages, and fancy resorts. Eventually, we stumbled upon this cute little resort where we could crash for the night. They had all these cool facilities like a spa, jacuzzi, and a swimming pool. But dang, it cost us a whopping $150 a night! It was quite a lot, so we marked the spot and continued on our way. We started playing this silly game, trying to see who could see less in the dark. Guess who won? Yup, me. So, I got stuck driving the rest of the way. I can barely see anything at night, and to make things worse, the walkie-talkie batteries were dead. The only guide we had was the light on John’s car hood, the Taxi light, which said “Off Duty”. We took some twisty, turny roads, and Irina suddenly became quiet. She didn’t give me any advice on how to drive until we got out of the mountains. She even took her feet off the dashboard to help me and brake through the floor if needed. Despite everything, I liked it: there was light traffic, fireflies, and butterflies splashed on the windshield.

We arrived in a town called Catskill (it seemed that everything was named Catskill there) around eleven at night. We got lost, mainly because John the Elder had a new map, so he was a bit confused and we made some fun of him. Nonetheless, we didn’t get angry and continued our search until we finally found a Days Inn with a pool. We settled into our rooms, cracked open some beers, and I expressed our total disinterest in spending the next day tubing on the river. With that in mind, we called it a night and went to bed.

Day D+2: The Water Park

In the morning (around half past ten, because if we didn’t leave by noon, they would make us pay for another day), we had breakfast at the motel mainly because it was included in the price. We showed them what it means to have Romanians as guests. Those who came after us at the table didn’t have anything left. We applied the “termite principle.” We had a little swim in the pool, then we left for the water park.

We passed through some areas with spectacular scenery, including several Irish villages with rich traditions and numerous pubs. I remember thinking that on St. Patrick’s Day, they closed the main road to ensure the safety of the intoxicated pedestrians (later, I read somewhere that they actually closed the entire village). As we were running low on seltzer water, we decided to make a quick stop at a local store to replenish our stock and get some ice. And what did we stumble upon? Benches on either side of the store’s entrance, specifically designated for supporters of the two major political parties: Republicans and Democrats. It was amusing to see the elderly locals sitting on these benches, engaging in lively conversations despite the mere five feet of separation between them. We sat down on both benches to see what party are we most comfortable with!

We finally made it to the Water Park, which is hidden in the hills. We quickly got changed, paid up, and got these cool wristbands that showed we were legit. And then we jumped right in! This was the first time for the three of us, but everyone else in our crew were pros (they had been there twice before).

No problem, though! Let me give you a rundown of what went down at that water park: there was this crazy tube slide that sent you flying into the water like a silly sperm! They had a massive pond with all kinds of water features, a splash pool for the little ones, and this super intense slide that would plunge you into the water. There was even this slippery slope where you had to lay on a plastic sheet and be careful not to roll over. But the highlight had to be the wild man-made river. You’d hop into these round boats with your fam, and it would spin, toss, and soak you completely. Then there was this gnarly slide where you zoomed down in a two-person boat. Oh, and don’t forget about the lazy river, where you could chill in a rubber tube. Just make sure to get your positioning right, or you’ll be struggling to stay in the tube halfway through (believe me, I’ve been there). And there was another speedy slope where you raced down in a tire. That pretty much sums it up, Mom. As you can see, almost everything was based on gravity and water.

Cosmin and the nephews were screaming their lungs out and having the time of their lives. As for me, I decided to take it easy and floated along the lazy river after going down just one tube. We grabbed a bite to eat from their stores, but man, it was crazy expensive! My wallet was crying like I was paying off traffic fines instead of buying sausages. Then, at five o’clock, out of nowhere, we had to evacuate the park because of heavy rain. It turns out, they had been tracking a storm approaching the area since four o’clock. And just as the clouds rolled in above us, they sounded the fire alarm. We dashed to our cars, but guess what? Right when we were about to leave, someone shouted, “I want number one!”

When we left, instead of turning left like everyone else, we took a quick right because Auntie Cory saw a sign for fresh strawberries and really wanted some. We reached the farmer who had strawberries, but he had already sold out. However, he did have cherries and cheese. So we grabbed some cherries and cheese instead, and then we had to practically swim back to the cars because it suddenly started pouring rain. It was a heavy downpour just like two days ago; you couldn’t see a thing, but the thunder and lightning were quite a sight to behold! The farmer-seller, who even had a website to sell his cheese online (can you believe it?), told us to hang on because the rain would pass soon. But being city folks, we thought we knew better than a local who had lived there his whole life. So, why bother listening to him, right?

We hit the road, following John’s taillights, while Irina kept me posted on the speed: “35, 40, 45, 50. You guys have lost your minds! That’s not a safe speed to be driving at in this rainy weather.” My walkie-talkies had zero batteries and my cell phone was out of reach in the trunk, so I had no way to get in touch with my brother-in-law. The only choice was to stick close to his car. As we got onto the main road, we realized we were confusing the other drivers. We were cruising at a slightly slower pace while the locals were zipping by at least 50 miles per hour! And mind you, it wasn’t even a highway, just a regular country road. Those locals, of course, knew all the tricks, potholes, and speed traps like the back of their hand. Eventually, the rain stopped, and we hit the highway, zooming along at 75-80 mph all the way home, which took us a solid two and a half hours. Once we reached their place, we bid our farewells, grabbed a drink of water, did a quick headcount of the kids (leaving one behind), and made our way back to our house, arriving around nine in the evening, ready to start a whole new vacation after our vacation.

Final thoughts

• The letter was written in 1999, digitized in Romanian and translated in English in 2023
• I was able to create the map based on the story
• The cell phones were in their infancy, those huge bricks had a very limited number of minutes available, the safest place for them to be was in the trunk of the car
• No digital cameras yet, but that free disposable camera gave us some memories, albeit blurry ones
• The sister cars were the last generation of 8 cylinder Fords, with bench in the front, seating for 6
• Poor T was in a period of his life when he had major car sickness, hence all the non-scheduled, emergency stops
  • I didn’t say anything about the projectile vomiting that took place in the back seat of my car, on the famous (by now) velvety seats. Sigh!